Push Back: Live, Love, and Work with Others Without Losing Yourself

In this rich and honest conversation, psychotherapist and author Tonya Lester joins us to explore why so many women struggle to express their needs, articulate boundaries, and honour their truth in relationships and everyday life. Drawing from her clinical work, her book Push Back, and her own personal experiences, Tonya unpacks the deeper social conditioning that teaches women to be pleasing, agreeable, and conflict-averse — even when this silence slowly erodes their sense of self. She also sheds light on the emotional “weather-vanes” such as resentment, envy, and flattening that signal when a woman’s voice is going underground, and how following these emotional breadcrumbs can reveal what truly needs to be addressed.

Together, we explore the complexity of communication: how to speak to the person who actually needs to hear your truth, how to prepare for difficult conversations, and why directness is often the kindest and clearest route forward. They discuss responsibility, self-reflection, and the courage required to ask for change — as well as the internal work needed to hold steady when someone reacts poorly. From perfectionism and its roots in anxiety, to the everyday practice of assertiveness, this episode offers practical insight into reclaiming one’s voice from the inside out.

The conversation also dives into over-functioning, gendered expectations, gaslighting, and the difficult truth that not liking our options doesn't mean we lack them. Tonya speaks candidly about changing one’s mind, renegotiating responsibilities, and the pathways available when a relationship is hurting you but you’re not ready to leave. Ultimately, this dialogue is an invitation to build inner grounding, expand your resources, cultivate reciprocity, and honour the power of being a “difficult” woman — not abrasive or unreasonable, but someone willing to speak clearly, ask for what she needs, and create a life aligned with her values.

Points Of Discussion:

0:05:10 – Why women suppress needs and avoid conflict
0:10:20 – Speaking to the right person vs. everyone else
0:15:40 – Responsibility: what’s yours and what isn’t
0:18:30 – The controversial truth about healthy relationships
0:25:05 – Practising assertiveness in small everyday moments
0:27:10 – Handling negative reactions when you speak up
0:34:40 – “No magic without mess”: letting go of inner perfectionism
0:45:20 – Direct communication vs. mind-reading
0:51:00 – Gaslighting: what it is and what it isn’t

Resources & Links:

Website: http://www.TonyaLester.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tonya.lester.58/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tonyalesterpsychotherapy/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tonya-lester-b9a3ab14/

About Tonya Lester

Tonya Lester, LCSW, is the author of Push Back: Live, Love, and Work with Others Without Losing Yourself and a Brooklyn-based psychotherapist and writer known for her work with relationships and communication. Her essay “Couples Therapist, Heal Thyself” was published in the Modern Love column in The New York Times, and she has been writing the popular Staying Sane Inside Insanity blog for Psychology Today since 2020. She has been featured as an expert in The Guardian, Newsweek, Well+Good, HuffPo, Fatherly, and the Bumble site The Buzz.